What are the ingredients for a perfect apology? 😫
In my dream, I was tossing and turning about how to forgive someone who has hurt me but hasn’t asked for forgiveness.
It’s no accident I had this dream partly because I fell asleep reading Susan Shapiro’s brilliant new book, The Forgiveness Tour.
Clearly, I was synthesizing the incredible content of her book and my dream was helping me to understand the 4 ingredients to a perfect apology:
Acknowledgment of the wrong that has taken place.
An explanation for why the person did what they did.
A show of remorse or regret that they had done what they did.
Reconciliation, at least some willingness to make it right.
Later in my dream, I was being forceful (bitchy) with a woman who spoke broken English as her second language. I was telling her that it wasn’t good enough to bumble her way through, that she needed to become fluent in this language otherwise life would be difficult for her.
Gasp.
I suddenly realized (in the dream) that everyone in my dream is me.
I was yelling at myself to become more fluent in the language of forgiveness and the art of offering a true apology.
Gulp.
I thought I was good at it...but clearly, I've got work to do.
So…where do you stand with forgiveness?
Are you the type that demands that it must be done perfectly or you hold on to your grudge?
Or do you forgive too easily and forget to set boundaries, making yourself a victim to the same dysfunctional behavior to happen to you again it again?
I tend to believe that holding onto resentment is like swallowing poison and expect somebody else to die. I’d prefer to lean more heavily on the side of forgiving quickly—putting myself in other’s shoes and saying, “But for the grace of God, there go I.”
I hope you’ll join me TODAY in exploring this topic with Susan Shapiro and I on my show today.
The Forgiveness Tour
“To err is human; to forgive divine.” But what if the person who hurt you most refuses to apologize or express any regret?
That’s the question haunting Manhattan journalist Susan Shapiro when her trusted advisor of fifteen years repeatedly lies to her. Stunned by the betrayal, she can barely eat or sleep. She’s always seen herself as big-hearted and benevolent, someone who will forgive anyone anything - as long as they’re remorseful. Yet the addiction specialist who helped her quit smoking, drinking and drugs after decades of self-destruction won’t explain – or stop - his ongoing deceit, leaving her blindsided. Her crisis management strategy is becoming her crisis.
In her entrancing, heartfelt new memoir The Forgiveness Tour: How to Find the Perfect Apology, Shapiro wrestles with how to exonerate someone who can’t cough up a measly “my bad” or mumble “mea culpa.” Seeking wisdom, she explores the billion-dollar Forgiveness Industry touting the personal benefits of absolution, where the only choice on every channel is: radical forgiveness.
Susan Shapiro, an award-winning writing professor, freelances for the NY Times and teaches "instant gratification takes too long" courses at The New School, NYU, Columbia University, and in private classes & seminars www.SusanShapiro.Net
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